Funeral - Am I cold or being reasonable?

My husband’s uncle passed away a few days ago out of state (5 hour drive). Since we were not close, my husband will be attending the wake/funeral without me (our 3 year old and I are still recovering from the flu). My husband is taking the task upon himself to be the bus service to his other siblings (aged 30+) who are not going to pay for the tolls, food, motel or gas not to mention putting the extra 1000 miles on our heap. I’ve spoken to his mother to give my regrets/sympathy and wrote a handwritten letter expressing my condolences to his aunt, bought a mass card and purchased 2 expensive bottles of liquor for my husband to take there for my mother in law and aunt to enjoy/relax. His uncle wanted donations made to charity instead of flowers, now MIL wants us to make a donation and buy flowers too. I said no to the flowers since I feel this is getting out of hand because it will cause more money problems with siblings. We won't get the money back. Am I cold or being reasonable?

Funeral - Am I cold or being reasonable?
i think m i l should be pitching in some and dictating less . it is very kind of husband to want to attend funeral however it sounds like $ is tight for you right now and i think that his sibs should either pay upfront or send their condolences via email or phone call . you are a young family and dont need the extra stress that this is going to cause you . and uncle is not going to know the difference anyway. my deepest sympathy to you and your family ... good luck
Reply:I think you should let your husband do what he feels comfortable doing. I feel everyone sure does expect a lot of him, including you. He shouldn't be made to feel he has to choose between being home to take you to a christening or take his family to a funeral! His uncle's funeral is more important and should be the priority. If you and your child are getting over the flu, you probably shouldn't go to the christening anyway---spreading germs. If you're completely well you can drive yourself (take a trial drive to make yourself feel more comfortable). Leave the decisions up to your husband and be there for him. If he wants to go out of his way to pick up his siblings--that's his decision. It's good for family to be together especially when there's been a death in the family. Don't concentrate on the fact that he wasnt' really close to his uncle. He should be there for his mother. He can let his mother know that his siblings can make a donation and get flowers since he's driving everyone. Good Luck!
Reply:You mean his mom wants him to do all this? Well really a death in his family if his mom wants him to do something then if he feels like it he should. It really depends on what HE really wants to do, he shouldn't be torn between what his wife and mother want in this situation because in this situation his mother should probably win. (if I'm understanding you right)








Kimmi said it real good, she's saying what I was thinking just worded it better!
Reply:It is not right to be told what to give as a gift. And there is a difference between a mother telling a grown son what to do and a mother telling a young boy what to do. The grown man is allowed to say "no". But your problem is not with the MIL it is with your husband being used by his family. Only he can stop it.





My brother has this problem, too, and it's all his fault, he likes to be the big cheese, and feel like he's the most important one in the family, so put upon, but he really loves it.
Reply:no and I would not have gone that far into exspenses. have them all chip in if they want to go thats only fair.
Reply:First off, you don't sound like you like your in-laws all that much.


A 5 hour drive isn't 1000 miles either! That's exageration on your part. So, I'm sure most of the story is.


No one is making your husband take out his wallet for everyone else!! He can pay for himself can't he, instead of thinking he's King Kong with a dong and wad?


He can aslo tell his mom, he's doing as his uncle wished with the flower thing. It's like your blameing his family for "twisting " your hubby's arm. All he has to do is say........I can't flip the bill for all of you!!





I don't think your being cold, I think your full of sh*t though on your rantings about your hubbys wallet!! Send him with only enough $$ to pay for gas!!
Reply:You all have made reasonable contrabutions to this funeral and your husband will have to explain this to his mother. You are not being cold, just practical, and you all know what your financial situation is, so no additional explaination is needed to the mother.
Reply:that would work better for us. I'm not familiar with the area that the baptism is being held so I wanted to go together. He is also going to have to pitch in for a family dinner. I think this is overkill for an uncle that didn't mean that much.





First of all do you hear yourself,


HIS UNCLE DIED- and IT WAS HIS MOTHERS BROTHER


( he isn't doing this for his uncle , its for his mother who could ALSO die very soon)





AND at no point have you considered his feelings in all of this,





WHO cares about the mass card,


Who cares about the liquor





Your sick with the flu,


your baby is sick so YOUR not going.


You are choosing NOT to go because its inconvienient for you.





HOWEVER he still needs to go, its HIS family and he SHOULD be there to support them,





YOU should send flowers, it far more important than the liquor


And how do they KNOW you donated to a charity, OR NOT





As far as tolls and gas, and MOTEL, he would have to do this regardless





ANd mileage on the whoopty, still would be there





and a Family dinner if VERY VERY COMMON, alot of times people send plates and you eat at home.





Please be more sympathetic, and realize he wants to please his mother, he certainly can't please her when she is DEAD.





Just my opinion





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