Any comments on this poem?

The last warm air of summer drew back


as the sun turned away,


the moon was faint through the clouds


turning grey.


Winter opened starless eyes,


her hard breath numbed the ground


where the dead leaves lay.





I thought I saw you today


at a distance


in the crowd.


You looked different somehow,


without me.


Flowers by the roadside


die so quickly in a vase,


you said.





I still find your hair


on my pillow,


your perfume lingers somewhere.





Maybe I'll see you again.





The rain has no sympathy,


spraying bright waves


in the breeze.


I walk,


more thoughtful now


through the shapeless wind,


Long coated in black and memory,


without your hand.





Time passes,


I become less sure of things.


The trees on the riverbank


still wait for you


in silence

Any comments on this poem?
It is Poignant, Ethereal and very moving....


Life passes by, or dow pass by life,


Memories linger or do we hold them captive.


a breath fragrant, yours or mine,


Deafening heartbeat, mine and yours


a whisper, unspoken thoughts, left unsaid


resound within this empty heart...





A love lost, a laboured pain unhealed


comforts, your love your loss your pain,


remains long after you have passed
Reply:i like it. but i agree... a few to many skips
Reply:Time passes,


I become less sure of things.


The trees on the riverbank


still wait for you


in silence





Simply greattttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
Reply:thats brilliant!! i absolutly love it!!





did you write that?!





genius!
Reply:I actually really like it. Some suggestions though:





It might speak more powerfully if you take out your exact experience and describe the situation from a distance to leave some room for imagination and interpretation. Right now, it's only a sad specific story, but opening the story up to fit more scenarios will bring more emotion to it. Does that make sense?





Try using less of the words "you" and "your" to leave room for more describing words.
Reply:it needs to be more together it seems to skip from one to the next and not really flow.....
Reply:Its great. I think its personal to you. Well done.
Reply:its very good. i used to love writing poems myself.





ok why the thumbs down?? cos i think its good and i used to enjoy writing poems? does someone not like that?
Reply:I LOVE IT





IT IS TOTALLY AWESOME
Reply:Its great!